The House That Mom Guilt

and how to tear it down

Photo by Manny Becerra on Unsplash

You’re at the park with some friends and you toss a bag of Cheetos to your kid. Your “mom friend” pulls out a Tupperware full of fresh fruit. How does she have time to cut up fruit when you can’t even make it to the grocery store? Say hello to mom guilt. 

Mom guilt is when you know you should be working from home, but you feel bad for ignoring your kid. 

It happens when you see other children reading while your kid plays with their Nintendo switch.

It’s the feeling that other moms are doing this thing better than you. When you constantly feel inferior for the choices you are making for your children. 

Mom guilt is a lie.

Let me tell you a secret.

I am in survival mode. I am a recovering alcoholic who is parenting through intense grief and mental illness. Half the time, I don’t even know for sure that I can take care of myself. Because taking care of myself is a full time job. Pile on top of that an actual job, school, and being a full-time caregiver for my son. That’s just life.

Where did these unrealistic expectations start? For me, they started with my own mother. She is a woman who has been through an extraordinary amount of trauma. She has been a single parent for most of my life. She has a heap of people and animals to take care of. 

And no matter how much she did, I never thought it was enough.

Just recently, my mom wasn’t doing what I thought she should be doing. I needed something and she didn’t show up for me.

You want to know what I did?

I disowned her. I told her I didn’t want her in my life anymore. I went through all the feelings of a toxic breakup, from listening to sad music to vowing never to call her again. 

If I told you what she didn’t show up for, or how much I needed her when she abandoned me, you might agree that I was betrayed. 

But the fact is, I’m in my forties now and I can take care of myself and my family without her help.

Letting go of unrealistic expectations of myself must start with accepting other mothers exactly as they are. For me, that starts with my mom.

She is in her seventies. It’s not her job to support me in any way at this point. In fact, she should take a break. She should spend 100% of her time doing whatever the hell she wants to do.

I can’t judge her for having nine dogs or spending too much money on stupid things or loving my sister more than me or believing conspiracy theories. 

She will not change. I can only love her exactly as she is, and doing this will make my heart bigger. It will change me.

I can show her grace and forgiveness, even if I have to fake it until I feel it.

By doing this, I hope that I can let some of that acceptance wash over me. 

God knows I’m not perfect. My kid knows it. My husband knows it. Everyone who knows me knows I have my quirks. They love me anyway. And when they don’t, they keep it to themselves.

My mom texted me today. She didn’t apologize, but she did say that she loves me and misses me. So I FaceTimed her, and told her I love her and I miss her, too. 

Our relationship doesn’t have to be perfect, she doesn’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be perfect. 

All I need to do is to let go. And I mostly can’t even do that right.